Living Right Now
After a recent series of "missed opportunities" and "plans that fell through," I am beginning to realize something important. I probably always knew this, probably as a child. But something goes haywire in adolescence and early adulthood, and it gets all bolluxed up.
Living right now, aware and present to the now, is how children live. Give a toddler a bowl of popcorn and they are fine with it. But give that two-year-old one piece at a time, and the joy of popcorn-ness is revealed each time the single puffy kernal is savored on the tongue. YAY! POPCORN! YAY! This thing in my mouth that is so good! Ah, bliss! Ah, life is good...
I suppose focusing too much on the need for popcorn, the nutritional qualities, the acquisition of it, the earning of the money to acquire popcorn, the logistics, the choices (butter, less butter, homestyle, cheddar)... all of these things overshadow the simple pleasure of each kernal. But only if you let it.
What I thought would happen, what I anticipate, what I plan for, what I imagine will happen (and trust me, my imagination knows no bounds)... all of these things are fine, unless I obsess and dwell on them. The good stuff and the bad. I think that, over the years, I imagine the most fantastic and wonderful things, and then mistake them for a plan, a prediction of what WILL happen, rather than keeping those thoughts in the COULD column.
Finding that what could happen was better than what did happen is just life, but it is also a huge disappointment to me of the fantastic plans. Instead, I have begun (only just begun) to let the brain committee dream and imagine, and then let those go into thin air, and face life as it comes at me, as it happens.
Sure, I make plans, I have dates to remember, I have intention and I take action. Rhythms of the days, the seasons - patterns of being that haven't changed since I've been up and gurgling - these all help create structure for a life.
But for me, mistaking the plan and the pattern for the real life has been a problem. A disappointing problem. Blogs, journals, conversations, fun times and sad times when I can spin out some of these findings from the brain committee are useful for capturing cool discrete flights of fancy, but noticing each real event, feeling and thought as it comes and goes is important too, and ultimately NOT disappointing. Noticing those moments as they flow past, slow and fast, joyful and sad, is wonderful. It boils down into the saying I am fond of: "This too shall pass."
When my son was only 30 or so days old, I finally stopped freaking out long enough to hear a friend say, "You will miss these baby days. This too shall pass." So I began counting his days one by one, just looking at this baby, each and every day, enjoying him right then. Not wishing for him to stop growing, or grow faster. And now, here he is, more than 3,800 days old. And I enjoy him today.
Do the job to earn the money to go to the store/movie to buy some popcorn, but don't forget to taste each kernal as you eat it. Because life is tasty.
